


A Sticky Holiday

by MoonStarDutchess



Series: Stuck Series [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Complete, F/M, Humor, Lowbrow Humour, Nudity, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 01:06:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14630829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonStarDutchess/pseuds/MoonStarDutchess
Summary: Riza was confident in her abilities to make an excellent holiday dinner until a towel dropped and ice froze her in her actions. M rated for language and lewd jokes.





	A Sticky Holiday

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than much needed writing practice.
> 
> AN: This is a sequel I was thinking of writing for a while. It takes place in the same world as my Oneshots Stuck and Pfffffffffftshusluch. It's not necessary to have read them to read this one, but I think you'll like them if you like odd home-related things. It does contain a "spoiler" for the oneshot called Stuck, part of my series on here.
> 
> Written in omniscient point of view.

Grumman was an effective, respected fuehrer, and the nation loved him. He'd balanced the budget, had several treaties in the works, and had signed quite a few in the short time he'd taken on the job. Work was aplenty and the economy was in excellent overall shape. Though violence was still occurring, it had reduced to the lowest it'd ever been since the country's inception.

He'd done many good deeds, great and small. One of the more minuscule ones was instating holidays. He'd gotten inspiration from some of the guests that had come from other countries, both the ones landlocked with Amestris and the ones across the oceans.

The Amestrian people welcomed the holidays with open arms and none more so than the ones involving eating big meals with the family. It'd been three years since that type of holiday had been instated, and it'd gotten so popular there were special sales and ads on the radio.

The ads often catered to the new tradition that meals were to be cooked homemade. It was to be a nice dinner with family and friends in a safe, warm environment.

She wasn't a bad cook. In fact, she was good enough that she rivaled Gracia, which was saying a lot since the woman could make a huge meal out of minimal ingredients. Since Gracia was in charge of last holiday's meal, it was her turn to take care of things. Most of the guests coming that day would be bringing a dish, so she was only in charge of a few of the larger and more critical dishes: the turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. She had no issues with making pie, but she'd never fixed a turkey or stuffing before. She'd told herself that it couldn't be that hard, but she still had her doubts. At least she didn't have to go out and butcher a turkey herself. She could just go to the store, get one already prepared, and bring it home with her. She'd gotten the largest turkey in the store since she was cooking for many people.

Riza heaved a big sigh and walked over to the fridge, cringing at the noise it still made. This refrigerator kept things chilled very well, so they'd chosen to have it fixed rather than buy a new one, but even the repairman couldn't figure out the source of the Pfffffffffftshusluch noise it emitted during the night.

She opened the door and moved to take out the turkey. It wasn't there. She'd definitely bought one and unless someone performed transmutation on it to bring it back to life, and succeeded, it should've still been there. "Roy!" she yelled.

Moments later, Roy came into the kitchen. He was drying his hair with a towel and had another one wrapped and carelessly secured around his waist.

"You shouldn't be down here in a towel. Anyone could walk in."

"I'll go change in a minute. I heard you yell, so I came down. You need my help?"

"Did you lay out the turkey from the deep freezer?"

"Yeah, I did."

"It's not in the refrigerator."

"Refrigerator? You said to lay it out in the fridge. I assumed you meant the top of the refrigerator."

She opened the freezer portion of the fridge and saw the turkey was in there. She reached out and touched it, noting that it wasn't as frozen as it'd been in the deep freezer.

"I wanted it out of the freezer so I could defrost it. Now I have to defrost and roast it by this evening." She grabbed the turkey with both hands and lifted it out of the freezer, cringing at the coolness as it seeped into her hands. She could practically feel her skin melding to the bird. She quickly sat the turkey down on the countertop and winced as the ice pulled at her skin.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize." Roy walked over to her. "Don't worry. We can defrost it with water. I've seen my mother do it." He took a knife and cut the paper off the turkey as Riza went over to the sink and plugged it before running room temperature water in it.

Roy lifted the turkey down from the counter. He hadn't realized that the turkey had been so heavy, so it fell further than he expected. . . To crotch level. The tip of the turkey's leg hit the towel wrapped around his waist. He stumbled, the turkey pressed against his crotch and…

"Fuck. Oh, fuck. This. . . Oh, damn…"

Riza chose this moment to turn around and nearly fainted. "Roy! What in the hell are you doing to the turkey!"

"Nothing!"

"It doesn't look like nothing!" She had so much trouble holding back the laugh threatening to burst forth. She was almost shaking due to her restraint.

"I…I am going to explain this," he said and adjusted the turkey.

She bit the inside of her mouth to keep a smile at bay.

"I was lifting the turkey off the counter. It was heavier than I expected it to be. I grabbed it and it fell and knocked my towel off."

She shook her head. "Only you. Just bring it over here."

He took it over to the sink and moved to lift it higher so he could get it into the basin. He winced.

"Roy, put it in the water."  
"Um… I can't."

"Why?"

"If skin gets against ice it…it will… and it got against my…"

Riza's face fell. "You're telling me your balls are stuck to the turkey?"

"Oh, no. Definitely not only my balls," he said.

"Well, that's a—Wait, not only your balls?"

"My dick is too."

"When I asked you to help me with the turkey and stuffing, this is not what I had in mind by stuffing."

"Riza, this is not something to joke about," he whined. "You wouldn't be joking if you had a turkey up your vagina."

"No, all I have to do is push out an 8 pound baby or two from that area when we decide to have children."

Roy was silent for a few beats before he nodded. "Point taken."

"Can't you just grit your teeth and yank it off?"

"This is my dick stuck against a turkey. I'm not going to yank anything. It'll damage the skin."

"No one eats turkey skin."

"The turkey's skin condition is the last damn thing I'm worried about!"

"Okay, I have a solution."

She went over to the counter and got a piece of the thick bread she'd made. She took it back over to him. She supported the turkey with one hand and offered him the bread with the other.

"Eat that."

"What? Why?"

"Just put it in your mouth and eat it. I'll hold the turkey."

Roy took the bread and took a huge bite. She grabbed the turkey with both hands and ripped it away from his body. He released a muffled shrill and then coughed as the bread went down his neck. She took the turkey over to the sink and got him a glass of water to wash down the bread.

She went back over to the sink as Roy sat down the glass. "We'll have to cut off the dick part," she said.

Roy whimpered. The last thing he wanted to hear was something about cutting a dick part off. "Why the hell did you do that? I told you I didn't want to rip it off."

"You said you weren't going to yank it off. You didn't say anything about me not doing it."

Roy narrowed his eyes at her. "You've been with me for too long, my personality is rubbing off on you."

She laughed. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I figured it was like a Band-Aid. One yank and it's all over."

"First of all, frozen poultry is nothing like a Band-Aid. Second of all, I don't put Band-Aids on my dick!" He picked up the towel he'd dropped on the floor and secured it back around his waist. "I'm not letting you around my lower body for a long time."

She ignored him as she proceeded to cut the skin from the area where Roy's "officer and two soldiers," touched. "Yes, okay," she said. She'd give him a day or two before he'd want to have sex again, and that was being generous. One little dirty word from her, and he was already standing at attention. If she wanted, she could convince him right now to take her against the fridge, countertop, or any other surface in that kitchen.

"I need to rip out the bags," she said.

"God, I'm out of here," Roy said and set about leaving.

"Go get dressed. I'll need your help."

"Fine, as long as my dick isn't in the equation," he said.

Riza smirked as she heard him leave. She'd make him feel better later.

She ran more warm water over the turkey and set about making the pumpkin pie filling. By the time she finished that, the turkey would be defrosted enough to get the bags out of it.

-/-/-

Riza smiled in satisfaction at her perfect pie filling. She had the crust dough cooling in the fridge and ready for the filling and baking. She turned around and glared at the turkey in the sink as if she were facing an adversary. It would not win that day.

She went over to the turkey, drained the water out of the sink and reached in between its legs to remove the neck. She never understood why they put the neck in the turkey's this way, and then placed the liver, giblets, and heart in the turkey's neck cavity. She shrugged and moved further into the turkey until her forearm was all the way inside the massive bird and pulled.

"Shit." Her arm wouldn't move. Her ring was caught on a bone of some kind, and the skin on her fingers had buried into the ice, having the same effect as when someone sticks their tongue to a metal pole in freezing weather. It had the same effect as Roy's junk when it made contact with the icy turkey.

"Shit," she said again and pulled, going for the grit your teeth and pull it out method. It didn't work. She moved to turn on the warm water and situate the bird so the water would run down her arm and down onto her hand, but she couldn't get the bird under the faucet. She got a cup with her other hand, tested the water for warmth, and her eyes narrowed.

Between her showering this morning, Roy showering not long after, and running the warm water over the turkey, they'd run out of hot water. Roy had told her they needed a larger water heater, but she hadn't listened.

Oh, how she hated being wrong.

She gritted her teeth again and poured the cold water down the turkey, only to yelp when the liquid made the ice even chillier. She tried to at least get her ring off, but in all the twisting, she'd popped something in her fingers, and it felt as if her hand was swelling.

"Hey, Riza, what do you need?"

No. Not now.

Roy looked over her shoulder. "Oh, you're cleaning the turkey out already?"

"I'm stuck," she muttered so low that he wouldn't hear her unless he had his ear near her mouth.

"What?"

"I'm stuck," she said again, her voice still at the same volume.

"Huh?"

"I'm stuck!

"You're stuck… in a turkey."

She glared over her shoulder at him. "Don't you dare judge me when you got your junk frozen against it not even a few minutes ago."

"How'd you get your hand stuck in a turkey?"

"How'd you get your hand stuck in a toilet?"

He remembered the incident all too well. "Wait . . . You were cleaning a turkey with lemon cleaner?"

"Roy, just help me get out of here. I think my ring is caught and my hand is swelling."

"Okay, okay," he said. "We can try the—"

"Band Aid method doesn't work."

"What if I help pull it off instead of you pulling yourself out? That could work and we can try different angles."

"Okay."

Roy grabbed the other end of the turkey and lifted it out of the sink. He reached inside and grabbed hold of the other bag in the neck side of the turkey. He felt her fingers through the gap and was careful not to position his fingers in the same location or he might get stuck as well.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"On the count of three. One. . . Two. . . Three!" Roy pulled the turkey, but her ring jerked and she yelled in pain. Roy immediately stopped.

"My ring is still stuck on the bone, and I think my finger is sprained."

"Well . . . wow."

"Let's put the turkey back into the sink."

"Wow…"

"You said that already. Let's…" She trailed off when she saw the sheepish look on his face. "Oh, god… Oh god, Roy. No."

"Yeah, my fingers are caught and I'm frozen to the turkey. It's like we're caught in one of those Xingese finger puzzles."

"This is a once alive animal, Roy, not a children's toy."

"I know, I'm just saying."

"You're way too nonchalant about this."

He shrugged. "Once a man has had a farting fridge, his hand stuck in a toilet, and his genitals stuck to a turkey, he learns to become desensitized."

"Just get the damn turkey into the—"

"Riza! Mustang! Are you two here?" Rebecca yelled.

Roy and Riza looked at each other wide-eyed.

"Why the hell did she just walk in?" Roy asked.

"I told her to just come in today without knocking since we're all busy."

"Oh that was really smart!"

"Well, excuse me! I didn't exactly expect to get my hand stuck in the cavity of our holiday dinner! It's not like I wrote it in my agenda!"

When the sounds of the footsteps grew closer, Roy said, "Quick! Hide behind the counter." They scurried behind the counter so they could hide the turkey. Roy grabbed a spoon and began stirring the pie mix in front of him. Riza had a knife and was trying to appear busy. She was suddenly thankful their home was so large.

"There you are," Rebecca said. "I decided to bring my stuff over early."

"You can sit it on the coun—kitchen isla—dining table! Yeah, go sit it on the dining table," Riza said, all the while mentally cursing her stammering. She'd been in worse and far more dangerous situations than this and hadn't lost her composure.

But to be fair, she hadn't been in any weirder situations.

"That's all the way in there. We'll probably have to reheat it." Rebecca walked over to the small counter next to the wall, and Roy and Riza moved around the side to the opposite counter so their turkey adorned hands could remain hidden. Riza's arm ached from the turkey's weight but she had to force a smile.

"Anything I can bring later?" Rebecca said, approaching closer to the kitchen island between them.

"Think you can go to the store, pick up another turkey, and bring it back here in an hour?"

"Another? Why would you need another?"

"The other one is stuc—frozen somewhere. She can't get it in the oven," Roy said.

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. "Really? I mean, sure, I can go get you one right now."

"My purse is on the table in the hallway. Take my credit card."

"Okay," Rebecca said.

She moved around the corner and Roy and Riza once again scurried around to the opposite side in crab-like movements.

"Are you two okay?"

"We're fine. Never birder—Better!" Roy said and laughed nervously.

"Please, go get the turkey now," Riza said.

"Okay, be back in a bit," she said and left the room. When they heard the footsteps fade, they looked at each other.

Roy dropped the spoon and Riza put down the knife. "We have to get this off! We have less than an hour," she said.

"Did you try hot water?"

"We ran it out. Cold water hurts terribly."

"Well, why don't you use the water that you made tea with ten minutes ago, I'm sure it's not gotten cold yet."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Riza said.

Roy grabbed the kettle. "Don't beat yourself up over it. When you have your hand stuck in something like a turkey, the last thing going through your mind is logical thinking. We'll melt the ice a little and then try to swing it to unlatch your ring."

"Right."

He poured a bit of water into the turkey on Riza's side, starting with a few splashes. "Too hot?"

"No, it's fine."

He poured a bit more and she felt the ice around her fingers melt. Since Roy's fingers were near hers, he felt the ice melt as well. They were cramping but at least they could move them now.

They began to swing the turkey to and fro. "It's loosening!" she said. "My ring's loose!"

"Yeah, I feel it too."

They swung the turkey faster and higher, with each movement their hands increasingly slipped from their poultry prison. Then the turkey flew off their hands, sailed through the kitchen window, and launched into the backyard. A loud thump and crash followed.

They looked at each other before rushing over to the window. The turkey was lying on the lawn, but Rebecca was against the tree. Her head was stuck in a hole in the trunk.

"Riza! Mustang! I think I'm stuck!"


End file.
